Friday, March 1, 2013


DEAREST LADIES AND HOMOSEXUALS (welllll.....mostly ladies because the gays should know better by now)::::
 Hypothetical: So, lets say you're a celebrity, or a rich fashionista, or hell, even a girl from the midwest going to the prom. You've spent an exorbitant amount of money on a dress (the scale of this depends on your financial situation, but lets say that you've spent more than you're comfortable with, or if you're the "celebrity" in this case, a designer has given you something spectacular on loan) SO WHY THE FUCK are you going to go to the salon, and tell your stylist/gay that you want your hair to look like you don't give a shit.There is something wrong with the current generation of girls, where they think that a low, messy side-bun, or tousled, flowing, yet unkempt curls are suitable for a formal occasion. Vanessa Lawrence, a journalist for W magazine, spoke of this in a recent article, regarding the hairstyles seen at a formal gala:

 "But while their outfits spoke to the night’s dress code, their hair fell a bit flat—literally. Sleek blowouts, tousled strands, and Veronica Lake waves were about as sophisticated as things got from the neck up. Where were the Audrey Hepburn French twists, the Grace Kelly ballet buns, the high and tight chignons of Faye Dunaway? Go to any number of society events and scan the room during dinner. Until the ladies stand up in their five-figure dresses, they could just as easily be at Sunday brunch, judging by their casual locks. It seems as if the once glamorous updo has gone the way of the dodo" ( W Archives, 2012)

 So I ask the following questions: What ever happened to you wanting the world to think that you cared? What happened to letting the world know that you had the style, class, finesse, and cash to carry the regal attitude of an updo? What happened to matching the glitz of your dress to the glitz of your hair? Long story short (too late): WHAT HAPPENED TO THE UPDO?

 Now I'm not talking about today's top-knot bun, I'm talking those elegant, sculptural, and impeccably-coiffed wedding-cake-esque do's of the 1960's. The real ozone-busters. I think we need a real return to the more labor-intesive hairstyles and shy away from the loose-locked ways of current celebs (though Sofia Vergara gets to keep it...she just does) at least for formal events. However, since most of you girls would cringe at the thought of doing an updo that doesn't involve a braid, a messy Taylor Swift-esque side-bun, or some loose tendrils, im gunna start with baby steps and give you some Sarah Jessica Parker glamour with my patented (read: not at all patented) Robin's Nest Bouffant!


SOOOOO HERES HOW YOU GET THIS LOOK! (with my hair Barbie- Carolyn Paine )

  1.  Assemble: Hairspray, a bristle brush, a paddle brush. a hair doughnut, hair ties, a teasing comb, bobby pins.
  2. Get a really sad "before" shot when your subject is not prepared/wearing makeup:

 3. Pull the hair into a high ponytail on the crown of the head, smoothing the hair with a bristle brush.
 4. Pull ponytail through hair doughnut

5. Using a teasing comb, relentlessly back-comb the hair until it is well textured, to give a kinky, feathery, high- fashion appearance.

6. Begin to gently swirl the hair around the doughnut (imagine you're swirling some cotton candy), pinning where necessary, being sure to pay attention to symmetry and volume. The key isn't to create a "bun" so much as some sort of quasi-beehive. So a small degree of finesse is needed to achieve the final look.

7. And now, the model is so damn fabulous, you might as well throw on a tiara her and send her to the Opera or to breakfast (at Tiffany's)

 There you have it ladies!! A gateway drug hairstyle, that will surely add a touch of class and sophistication to your next look. Lets move bravely into a more "put together" future, and leave the beach hair, Brazilian blowouts, and T-Swift baby-doll buns at the beach, Jersey shore fist pumping bar, and junior semi-formal homecoming dance, respectively.

(Note: classier hairstyles may lead to the following activities: spending beyond your means, having the urge to host 8-course dinner parties, shopping at designer shoe stores, going to afternoon (ahhhftanoon) tea at the Plaza Hotel with your gay friend; "taking in" museums, art galleries, and other performances instead of going to work; getting lost on the upper-east side, buying homes in the Hamptons, uncontrollable urges to "summer" in Newport, RI, drinking champagne at any time of the day, spending $600 on Pierre-Herme macarons, getting a boyfriend with an unlimited credit account at Brooks Brothers, and becoming close personal Facebook friends with Gweneth Paltrow)

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