Wednesday, March 6, 2013


Okay, so remember those big billowy waves I was ranting about in my last post? I'm going to show you how to do them, because despite my inherent prejudices they do have a lot of slut commercial appeal. (KNOW THINE ENEMY)

The first time I noticed these immense, free-flowing, rife-with-prosthesis locks was on a younger Miley Cyrus:


And over the next few years, and up until very recently these weave-ridden shenanigans were the mainstay of every event, red carpet, and photoshoot of Hollywood and beyond. Every starlet and "Real Housewife of                " no matter formal the occasion, decided that this was the desired look. Thankfully, the trend has begun to die down. Smarter Hollywood gays (ahem, hairsylists) have begun to convince their high-class clientele to go a bit shorter and more demure with their hair style selections. Moreover, shorter haircuts or updos have begun to grace the pages of Vogue, Harpers Bazaar, and W magazine
      Whats interesting to mention at this point is that in this transition, I have noticed a divide. High fashion magazines have already moved on from these loose-flowing locks to more sophisticated or edgier looks, but other magazines, such as Elle, Glamour, and magazines geared towards young girls (I'm looking at you, Seventeen), as well as the tabloids have remained with this hairstyle. If you want to be a trend setter and not a trend victim, girls, always go with the Vogue- try to follow the models, not the celebrities. Some celebs are still rocking this look currently, and take it to some shocking lengths. Here are the worst offenders:

Kimora Lee Simmons,
Sofia Vergara (Eeessy, Breessy, byootifurl)- but she's allowed, I love her,
Jennifer Love Hugetits,        

and this rare species of Ostrich indigenous only to the E! Network.


So since this style still carries some clout and can make a big impact at social functions AND since my hair model Carolyn Paine (read the following in a ghetto voice) got herseff a fancay new setta 18 inch hayah extenshuns, I decided to replicate this look. (Plus it was snowing and we had some afternoon wine to take care of) Here we go!

1. Get a sad "before" shot of your model when she looks like the spitting image ofTina Fey after a pizza and booze bender with Amy Poehler, Megan Mullaly, Rachel Dratch, Kathy Griffin, Kristen Wiig, and Maya Rudolf ( you know those girls party together, like Lohan-style).

2. Assemble your curling iron (any medium sized barrel, 1.5 inch barrel works great!) hair extensions (they are super necessary for this look (18 inches or so will do), come in a variety of colors- AND ALWAYS USE HUMAN HAIR), and brushes. 
3. Brush out all hair pieces, assuming you have already measured them to your head, created three separate tracks, and sewn clips to said tracks. Also brush out your real people hair. That helps.

 4. Designate the midline of the head (aka where the hair will part), usually the hair for this look goes straight down the middle but it is open for the compromise. Begin curling the entire head in good old fashioned barrel curls that curl AWAY from the face on either side, making sure the direction of the curl follows suit from the face to the back of the head. This means that the curls will be in opposite directions, but continue the movement away from the face. Essentially what this does is by the time the entire style is completed by the last step, is that when you move, you will look like you are standing in front of one of Beyonce's finest wind machines even if you're standing still. 

 and don't you worry, by the time you are done, the curls will settle and look more natural. Impatient bitches. 

5. HERE COMES THE FAKE SHIT! I'm assuming your created three separate tracks by size, and I would teach you how to make those, but I'd have to charge. Separate the hair, being careful not to crush the curls. Clip the smallest track in near the base of the neck and work your way up. (You might have 2 or 3)

 6. This is what the look will be with the extensions in, before you curl the tracks:

7. Then curl those bitches, keep attention to directing the curl away from the face.

8. After a little while the curls settle and give more of a natural feel:

9. Then apply a wind effect and a heavy instagram filter Totally natural!!!:

 10. Then stick her in a bikini and put her out in the snow for a great before and after slut shot, look at the good I do:

And there it is! The secret to looking like a Hollywood starlet: SLAVING AWAY FOR HOURS OVER A HOT CURLING IRON, 18 INCHES OF FAKE HAIR, AND A GAY GUY! This is Alex, signing off until some other trend offends me (aka very soon). Good night and good luck!

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