Unbe-weave-able!!!

Okay, so remember those big billowy waves I was ranting about in my last post? I'm going to show you how to do them, because despite my inherent prejudices they do have a lot of slut commercial appeal. (KNOW THINE ENEMY)

The first time I noticed these immense, free-flowing, rife-with-prosthesis locks was on a younger Miley Cyrus:

 

And over the next few years, and up until very recently these weave-ridden shenanigans were the mainstay of every event, red carpet, and photoshoot of Hollywood and beyond. Every starlet and "Real Housewife of                " no matter formal the occasion, decided that this was the desired look. Thankfully, the trend has begun to die down. Smarter Hollywood gays (ahem, hairsylists) have begun to convince their high-class clientele to go a bit shorter and more demure with their hair style selections. Moreover, shorter haircuts or updos have begun to grace the pages of Vogue, Harpers Bazaar, and W magazine

      Whats interesting to mention at this point is that in this transition, I have noticed a divide. High fashion magazines have already moved on from these loose-flowing locks to more sophisticated or edgier looks, but other magazines, such as Elle, Glamour, and magazines geared towards young girls (I'm looking at you, Seventeen), as well as the tabloids have remained with this hairstyle. If you want to be a trend setter and not a trend victim, girls, always go with the Vogue- try to follow the models, not the celebrities. Some celebs are still rocking this look currently, and take it to some shocking lengths. Here are the worst offenders:

Kimora Lee Simmons,

Sofia Vergara (Eeessy, Breessy, byootifurl)- but she's allowed, I love her,

Jennifer Love Hugetits,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and this rare species of Ostrich indigenous only to the E! Network.

 

 

So since this style still carries some clout and can make a big impact at social functions AND since my hair model Carolyn Paine (read the following in a ghetto voice) got herseff a fancay new setta 18 inch hayah extenshuns, I decided to replicate this look. (Plus it was snowing and we had some afternoon wine to take care of) Here we go!

1. Get a sad "before" shot of your model when she looks like the spitting image ofTina Fey after a pizza and booze bender with Amy Poehler, Megan Mullaly, Rachel Dratch, Kathy Griffin, Kristen Wiig, and Maya Rudolf ( you know those girls party together, like Lohan-style).

2. Assemble your curling iron (any medium sized barrel, 1.5 inch barrel works great!) hair extensions (they are super necessary for this look (18 inches or so will do), come in a variety of colors- AND ALWAYS USE HUMAN HAIR), and brushes. 

3. Brush out all hair pieces, assuming you have already measured them to your head, created three separate tracks, and sewn clips to said tracks. Also brush out your real people hair. That helps.

 4. Designate the midline of the head (aka where the hair will part), usually the hair for this look goes straight down the middle but it is open for the compromise. Begin curling the entire head in good old fashioned barrel curls that curl AWAY from the face on either side, making sure the direction of the curl follows suit from the face to the back of the head. This means that the curls will be in opposite directions, but continue the movement away from the face. Essentially what this does is by the time the entire style is completed by the last step, is that when you move, you will look like you are standing in front of one of Beyonce's finest wind machines even if you're standing still. 

 and don't you worry, by the time you are done, the curls will settle and look more natural. Impatient bitches. 

5. HERE COMES THE FAKE SHIT! I'm assuming your created three separate tracks by size, and I would teach you how to make those, but I'd have to charge. Separate the hair, being careful not to crush the curls. Clip the smallest track in near the base of the neck and work your way up. (You might have 2 or 3)

 6. This is what the look will be with the extensions in, before you curl the tracks:

7. Then curl those bitches, keep attention to directing the curl away from the face.

8. After a little while the curls settle and give more of a natural feel:

9. Then apply a wind effect and a heavy instagram filter Totally natural!!!:

 10. Then stick her in a bikini and put her out in the snow for a great before and after slut shot, look at the good I do:

And there it is! The secret to looking like a Hollywood starlet: SLAVING AWAY FOR HOURS OVER A HOT CURLING IRON, 18 INCHES OF FAKE HAIR, AND A GAY GUY! This is Alex, signing off until some other trend offends me (aka very soon). Good night and good luck!

UPDOS FOREVER!

DEAREST LADIES AND HOMOSEXUALS (welllll.....mostly ladies because the gays should know better by now)::::
 Hypothetical: So, lets say you're a celebrity, or a rich fashionista, or hell, even a girl from the midwest going to the prom. You've spent an exorbitant amount of money on a dress (the scale of this depends on your financial situation, but lets say that you've spent more than you're comfortable with, or if you're the "celebrity" in this case, a designer has given you something spectacular on loan) SO WHY THE FUCK are you going to go to the salon, and tell your stylist/gay that you want your hair to look like you don't give a shit.There is something wrong with the current generation of girls, where they think that a low, messy side-bun, or tousled, flowing, yet unkempt curls are suitable for a formal occasion. Vanessa Lawrence, a journalist for W magazine, spoke of this in a recent article, regarding the hairstyles seen at a formal gala:

 "But while their outfits spoke to the night’s dress code, their hair fell a bit flat—literally. Sleek blowouts, tousled strands, and Veronica Lake waves were about as sophisticated as things got from the neck up. Where were the Audrey Hepburn French twists, the Grace Kelly ballet buns, the high and tight chignons of Faye Dunaway? Go to any number of society events and scan the room during dinner. Until the ladies stand up in their five-figure dresses, they could just as easily be at Sunday brunch, judging by their casual locks. It seems as if the once glamorous updo has gone the way of the dodo" ( W Archives, 2012)

 So I ask the following questions: What ever happened to you wanting the world to think that you cared? What happened to letting the world know that you had the style, class, finesse, and cash to carry the regal attitude of an updo? What happened to matching the glitz of your dress to the glitz of your hair? Long story short (too late): WHAT HAPPENED TO THE UPDO?

 

 Now I'm not talking about today's top-knot bun, I'm talking those elegant, sculptural, and impeccably-coiffed wedding-cake-esque do's of the 1960's. The real ozone-busters. I think we need a real return to the more labor-intesive hairstyles and shy away from the loose-locked ways of current celebs (though Sofia Vergara gets to keep it...she just does) at least for formal events. However, since most of you girls would cringe at the thought of doing an updo that doesn't involve a braid, a messy Taylor Swift-esque side-bun, or some loose tendrils, im gunna start with baby steps and give you some Sarah Jessica Parker glamour with my patented (read: not at all patented) Robin's Nest Bouffant!

 

SOOOOO HERES HOW YOU GET THIS LOOK! (with my hair Barbie- Carolyn Paine )

1.  Assemble: Hairspray, a bristle brush, a paddle brush. a hair doughnut, hair ties, a teasing comb, bobby pins.
2. Get a really sad "before" shot when your subject is not prepared/wearing makeup:

 3. Pull the hair into a high ponytail on the crown of the head, smoothing the hair with a bristle brush.

 4. Pull ponytail through hair doughnut

5. Using a teasing comb, relentlessly back-comb the hair until it is well textured, to give a kinky, feathery, high- fashion appearance.

6. Begin to gently swirl the hair around the doughnut (imagine you're swirling some cotton candy), pinning where necessary, being sure to pay attention to symmetry and volume. The key isn't to create a "bun" so much as some sort of quasi-beehive. So a small degree of finesse is needed to achieve the final look.

7. And now, the model is so damn fabulous, you might as well throw on a tiara her and send her to the Opera or to breakfast (at Tiffany's)

 There you have it ladies!! A gateway drug hairstyle, that will surely add a touch of class and sophistication to your next look. Lets move bravely into a more "put together" future, and leave the beach hair, Brazilian blowouts, and T-Swift baby-doll buns at the beach, Jersey shore fist pumping bar, and junior semi-formal homecoming dance, respectively.

(Note: classier hairstyles may lead to the following activities: spending beyond your means, having the urge to host 8-course dinner parties, shopping at designer shoe stores, going to afternoon (ahhhftanoon) tea at the Plaza Hotel with your gay friend; "taking in" museums, art galleries, and other performances instead of going to work; getting lost on the upper-east side, buying homes in the Hamptons, uncontrollable urges to "summer" in Newport, RI, drinking champagne at any time of the day, spending $600 on Pierre-Herme macarons, getting a boyfriend with an unlimited credit account at Brooks Brothers, and becoming close personal Facebook friends with Gweneth Paltrow)